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Re: Teddy (NC16) « Result #1 on Mar 6, 2009, 12:02pm »
Dear Teddy,
My results are out. The wait is over.
The worrying still goes on.
Didn't do as great as everyone expected. But I kinda expected crappy results. But it turned out to be really crappy. I know I deserved the results. Compared to many others, I guess I didn't work hard enough. My nightmares about failing came true.
I treated myself to a nice long meal.
I treated myself to donuts.
And I allowed myself to cry. There's still a tiny bit of me that wants to cry some more.
I hate the fact that my aunt who has never really shown me any concern over the years suddenly called me up today to ask how my results were. I hate the fact her daughter, my cousin, did the same. But I never answered either of their questions. My cousin contacted my brother instead of me. My aunt got my dad who told her nicely that everything's okay.
ANNOYING!!!
I'm not that close to you!
You have never really shown me any concern when I left primary school, high school or entered college. I know that I've been doing well all these years and I'm the only one in my immediate family who gets into college.
But why are you asking for me now!? Why are you suddenly so interested? I'm already upset, do you have to be nosy or place your expectations on me!?
To be honest, what made me cry more was seeing the little notes my sister wrote for me, my dad's supportive sms and the fact my sister bought me a cake. T_T God, I feel like crying again. Our cockatiel also showed some form of concern when he started searching for me in my room when I came home. He stood at the doorway, looking at me. When I went out to sit with my family, he approached me and sat on my lap. My mum said animals were better at understanding emotions sometimes. He could be trying to cheer me up.
I never expected it but it was a very sweet surprise.
Now, I can only pray to get into a university. Slim chances though.
Re: Teddy (NC16) « Result #2 on Feb 24, 2009, 11:34pm »
Dear Teddy,
My results are coming out next week and I'm quite worried.
Okay, that's a lie.
EXTREMELY worried.
I know I was a lousy student...
So a lousy student will obviously get lousy marks...
I heard this year, the results were so bad that they had to be sent back for moderation and remarking.
I keep getting nightmares.
*sighs*
I wish I could stop time right now. So I don't have to deal with telling my already troubled parents about how sucky my results were and how I have to retake my papers again.
I guess I was asking for those lousy marks.
And I'm tired of a friend's dramatic antics. It's not my fault that he fell for me, not my fault he feels confused about me, not my damn fucking fault.
I don't need this shit from stupid hormonal male teens who can't make up their mind. As if the guy before wasn't dramatic enough.
On the bright note, I now have a baby bird named Donut. ^^
Re: All the things I've done (PG) « Result #3 on Feb 23, 2009, 1:26pm »
I just found out that one of the very few people I actually consider to be true friends could be pregnant. I haven't actually seen her in 4 years, but after we talked for a while, a part of me does, and will always, want to be with her, even now. She said everything I wanted to hear, she was the closest thing I've ever had to a relationship when we actually knew each other, and I honestly believed that there was a chance that somehow, some day, we might actually be together. I'm a fucking idiot.
Part of me feels broken, like I've lost a part of my soul, my one chance at happiness, and I have no idea how to shake the feeling.
« Last Edit: Feb 23, 2009, 1:33pm by Izuaal Katyr »
But some that do, lay claim divine purpose blesses them. A part of your soul ties you to the next world, or maybe to the last, I'm still not sure, but what I do know, is to us the world is different, as we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Re: All the things I've done (PG) « Result #4 on Feb 15, 2009, 11:48pm »
I wish I could just tell everyone what I think, how I feel. But I can't. Butterfly effect, change one thing and you change everything. What if something bad happened? I mean, I'm the freaking guardian, I can't cause harm, it goes against everything that I am! I mean, MY life would be a lot easier, but what about everyone else? How can I, in good conscience, put myself above the people I love? It doesn't work out, either way I'm screwed.
Here's what I want: I want a house, a job, and a girlfriend. Everything else I can live without, but as long as I have a place to live, the ability to live, and love, I'm set. Currently, I'm not set. I have a place to live, until summer. I'll either have to move in with my mother again (NO!) or with a friend. I have no job, well, technically. I'm on call, so when they need me, they call. I have no girlfriend. There is plenty of love in me to give, but it would seem that there is none for me to receive. Why? Why the fuck can't people tell that the bastards are bastards?
I don't know, I'm bored and depressed as always. I could really use some help, but I don't think there's a soul on earth who can help me anymore.
But some that do, lay claim divine purpose blesses them. A part of your soul ties you to the next world, or maybe to the last, I'm still not sure, but what I do know, is to us the world is different, as we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Re: All the things I've done (PG) « Result #5 on Feb 13, 2009, 11:02pm »
I need a girlfriend. I'm tired of having nobody around and being drained because of it. I need people, I thrive on the emotional energy of others. I, for my well being, need to be loved. Sure, there are other emotions, but none them work the way love does. Hatred and anger get me into action, excitement makes me calm, and happiness makes me depressed, but there is nothing I've found that can make me happy. No, don't start. I can't go out and be happy. I can't be happy just being normal.
I. Need. People.
And I'm alone. With the exception of my new roommate, who is actually a great guy, and my mother, I really don't have anyone around me. And not for lack of trying, people just seem to be put off by me for some reason. I don't wear American Eagle, I don't get wasted, and I don't do drugs. I think the fact that I'm actually a good person is scary to most people. I think the guys are afraid that I might screw it up for them, and the girls are afraid that it's too good to be true.
But some that do, lay claim divine purpose blesses them. A part of your soul ties you to the next world, or maybe to the last, I'm still not sure, but what I do know, is to us the world is different, as we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Re: All the things I've done (PG) « Result #6 on Feb 6, 2009, 11:45pm »
I'm fucking crazy. Here's what I know about myself, at least what I can tell someone, and I hope to God that this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass later on:
My name is Joshua Blomberg, I live in dorms, and I'm going to school at North Idaho College. I've never had a relationship with anyone outside of that of family and a vague friendship, save for two very close friendships from when I was 8 or so. The whole of my life for the last 8 years has been the fixing, protecting, and helping of those around me, and when I could do no more, somehow it worked out that I was moved to somewhere new, with new people to fix, every time getting more difficult. I love all people, almost all as family, with the rare exception that I find someone with whom I, for whatever reason, spontaneously develop romantic feelings, and those people are either far beyond my reach or already blissfully taken. I have no idea who I am as far as an identity goes, because I've never had the time or emotional stability in my life to worry about anything like that. I know that despite being completely and hopelessly lost, my mother does, indeed, love me, as do my brothers and my father, my aunt, my uncle, and the rest of my family. I know that I miss my grandmother more than anything, and I will forever be furious with my mother for being with her at the end of her life while leaving me alone, completely and totally, with utter disregard for what might happen to me emotionally. I know that every day I feel the sadness as if I just learned my oldest friend has died, the feeling of alienation like no one is left for you, and that you are truly alone. I know that I would do anything short of causing another harm to rid myself forever of the feeling, which is why I am so fucking pissed off that I can't find a girlfriend, quite literally, to save my life. I know that I believed, for a time, that I was the Earthly incarnation of the archangel Gabriel, and that I made it up in an attempt to justify my loneliness, that my mission was to travel alone and help whomever I could along the way, though I no longer believe that. I know that I'm sad, and that I desperately want someone to be here with me. I know that I pierced my tongue web because I wanted something unique about myself, but had to take it out for fear of being discovered, only to do it again two nights before the gay pride festival in Yakima which I was helping with. I know that I'm either straight or bisexual, and that the entire concept of a purely physical attraction to anyone is a foreign concept to me, except when I feel so alone that I would give anything for anyone. I know that I can't even have those kind of thoughts without coming to the almost immediate realization that it's a compensation mechanism for my loneliness. I know that I have a fondness for Steampunk and Victorian anachronism in general, and I believe it to be because a) people were actually romantic, and b) technology was simple and logical, and you didn't need a million and one schematics and wiring diagrams to understand something. I know that I'm very good with technology, and usually can understand how something works either by looking at it or touching it, but lacking the thorough examination requited by most, and while I don't know why, and I really would like to, I don't question it, because if I do, it might go away, and then I'd lose the one thing that set me apart from the crowd. I know that I have taken from my mother her codependency and from my father his reclusive nature, but also have taken both their strong wills, my mother's desire and ability to help, and my father's technical skills and desires.
I know that I am completely and totally, utterly, absolutely, uh.... I'm running out of words of all sorts, they just don't want to come out....... Entirely, thoroughly, unquestionably, and undeniably lost, and that I really want to know who I am.
But some that do, lay claim divine purpose blesses them. A part of your soul ties you to the next world, or maybe to the last, I'm still not sure, but what I do know, is to us the world is different, as we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Re: Teddy (NC16) « Result #7 on Jan 27, 2009, 9:58pm »
Dear Teddy,
Happy year of the ox.
I did went out with my friends eventually, even though it was such a short trip to the movies and back. And the fact that one of them asked me about my dressing when I was wearing the damn shirt she gave to me for my birthday!
Not that she was that pretty. She isn't the best dresser amongst us anyway so I'm willing to let things slide.
*sticks out tongue at her*
Because the outing was so short, I actually snipped off my hair!
I wanted to start all over. It felt like so many things have happened so I wanted to just start all over, starting with my hair. It felt kind of liberating to have shorter locks now. ^^
So I told the person I liked that I liked him, told the person who loved me that I had no feelings for him...
But I'm still friends with both. I just wanted to come clean.
So I'm going to try to start things all over.
PS - I even picked up cross stitching although I suck at it.
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